I decided to take a mini step back to journalize my journey again.
Research says that when a person who experienced a traumatic event, they enter into a 'fight, flight or freeze' mode. Honestly, I've gone into flight and freeze. For me, it was more of freeze first, fight than flight.
I still can so vividly remember on 23rd March 2017 how the staff nurse told me it was a negative (not pregnant) = embryo transfer unsuccessful. Then I had to wait for another 24hrs before my gynae called and spoke with me on the phone. In that 24 hours, I laid frozen on my bed, trying to come to terms with reality. Initially, it was pure denial - maybe the staff nurse got it all wrong. It cannot be true right? I was such a good girl after the embryo transfer. I walked around just as my gynae told me to do so, I ate well and I slept well. What could possibly go wrong?
When my gynae called me the next day, she sounded so sorry for the failure. It was wierd because I felt sorry for her more than for myself. I actually learnt a lesson from this that even in the most broken state of a person, our very humane side can stil l kick in and empathize with others. After sounding apologetic, she actually brought up surrogacy -oh my tian! Not again - However, somehow I plucked up my courage to tell her " Doctor, you know, as Christians, pregnancy is not just a physical thing, it is a spiritual thing, surrogacy is never an option. " Since it is not an option, she suggested I go into the clinic and she will do an investigative procedure on me. Of which, I have not return since.
After she put down the phone, I bawled my hearts out. It was so painful that I cannot describe. Lips was away for work trip at that time and it was very difficult for him too especially being put up in a seriously sh***y hotel with shower that does not even work and air con that felt hotter than Singapore. Thankfully, he was to return the next day!
I am thankful for so many different ones who reached out to me and surrounded me with their love and presence.
Meng How and Paullyn met me the next day to have dinner. I remember throughout the dinner Meng How did not mention anything about the IVF. I felt a little strange initially as I am so used to him going straight to the point or rather I know it is the point even though he is building his points to THE point LOL!! I will never forget how he shared about Jesus in garden of gethsemane crying out to God to 'let this cup pass from him but nevertheless let thy will be done. ' It meant that we should pray and tell God all that we want or all that we need but at the end of the day, let the will of God be done. That word was much needed and it set my heavy heart free.
Xiang Cen...I still have and remember the text. I will use this for the rest of my life to HOLD YOU HOSTAGE muahaha!!
24th March 10:35pm
And they say the rest is history! Truth is, I am really very touch. You went over the mountain, over the sea and literally over the clouds just to be with me and it is true, no words were needed, you just went.
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| Proving to XC that I was with Meng How and Paullyn on 24th March. Lips happened to just touch down . It was quite late by then, |
Garv and Leny my dear friends were speechless, heart broken and wordless when they found out knowing how far I have gone and how much I have gone through too. Leny met me in the midst of her 2 active munckins to just listen to me. We met at coffeebean bishan with her newly bought HUGE cooking wok hahahaha!!
Shaun and Karen, Yuling, chiews, zhen, Jaques and so many others. I am just so thankful.
I will share more about flight / fight mode in the next post.
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